Every day is opening night.


Ladies and gents,

If you’re a loyal reader you know my political leanings lie somewhere between what my Uncle Sol would have called “a bleeding-heart hippy-dippy hoo-hah” and what George Wallace would have called a “left-wing pinko.” So perhaps my take on the gun debate is too unsurprising to put down on paper, but I need to rant so please indulge me. The republicans are owned by the NRA – we know this, but why the hell do even the staunchest liberals on the other side still feel the need to desperately pledge their allegiance to the 2nd amendment at every turn?

The way I see it, there are only three viable justifications for private citizens owning guns. Let’s take a look:

1) Hunting: I eat meat, so I can only cast so many stones on this issue, but an occasional hunger for cooked flesh is a far cry from the unabashed blood lust that drives hunting culture. Here’s what I think: if you actively enjoy the act of killing living things, you’re probably a sociopath. (Also: you don’t need concealable hand guns or assault rifles to take down a deer.)
2) Prevent tyranny: Too late, my friends. No matter how many AK-47s and camouflage cargo pants you and your militia stockpile, they’re no match our government’s nuclear arsenal. Want to prevent tyranny? Voting against tyrants would be a great place to start.
3) Self-defense: Okay, this one is, perhaps, the most sensible – if you completely ignore the statistics. There isn’t a reputable study out there that argues we are safer with more guns on the street. So, for my money, the best defense is getting rid of as many guns as humanly possible.
And for everyone yelling about the sanctity of constitution, I don’t hear you trying to reinstate the 18th amendment. So, join me fellow pinkos, homosexuals, hippies, and hoo-hahs. If are serious about wanting to solve this crisis, we need to stop protecting the narrative that owning murder machines is a vital and unalienable right. I’d like to see government buy-back program, so that gun-owners have the opportunity to put all that money to better use. Like theater tickets!

Tidbits from around town…
Spotted a captivated Howard Stern at Springsteen on Broadway.
Overheard Cheyenne Jackson calling Angels in America the most “thrilling theater experience” of his life.
Caught proud father Henry Winkler chatting up Adam Scott at the premiere of Max Winkler’s new film, Flower.
As always, a toast of something sparkling – and, from 1919 to 1933, totally prohibited in the United States — to you and yours!

Scoop V.